Lovers make better marketers
There is a crisis in modern society. The institution of marriage is shifting from the 'eternal' model - 'til death do us part' - to the convenience model - 'for as long as it suits me'. Women, the main drivers of this change, are bailing out on their hubbies en masse when they reach the stage when the kids are no longer on their hands. Men in the 50+ age group are finding themselves blind-sided by women who cannot accept their mothers' silent endurance of their father's inability to fulfil their romantic dreams.
They want more - a lover who responds to their need for love - and they are out to get it. This creates special problems for men in our society, socialised to be winners on the sporting field and in business, not schooled in the art of love. In fact, nobody is schooled in this art. We 'fall in love' as if by accident. In the rapture of infatuation, marriage follows, and 25 years later (the magic number) many couples who are intimates and yet strangers where it counts, in the heart space, find themselves dividing their collective possessions and going their separate, anguished ways.
As a man who has (so far) survived the obstacle course of marriage, I pondered the lessons I learned and wonder how they can enhance my performance as a marketer. The main lesson was delivered by dipping into the Dalai Lama's book on happiness. He says the two qualities best mobilised to grow love between individuals are empathy and compassion.
Empathy means understanding the feelings of another. Compassion means suffering with another - feeling their pain without taking it on. Men cannot understand the internal reality of the modern female without a prodigious effort of empathy and compassion. Seeing a household from a female's point of view can be shattering for a man reared in the traditional/convention mould.
Your wife was not born to be your servant, sir. Your socks and underwear on the floor are the symbols of her servitude. Your familiarity with the toilet brush is a marital success KPI.
And all that stuff about sweet nothings and "LOVE" - come off it, Ethel, you knows I loves ya! I stick around, don't I? Women are hardwired to need, expect, and thrive on loving attention - connection, constantly nurtured by strong signals, especially actions that say "I respect your individuality and celebrate the joyful, loving person you are." Men, however, are hardwired to go out and kill the buffalo, fight off the other men, and bring it back to the cave for the family... That's why they feel so dudded when she walks out. They fulfilled their side of the unspoken bargain and provided the material lifestyle. They weren't told they had to provide the interior emotional lifestyle as well. Women just assumed that Price Charming wouldn't turn into a frog.
Where does this leave marketers? Well, empathy and compassion are a good place to start when you want a fulfilling relationship. You don't hear much about these two words when CRM is being discussed. CRM is driven by the needs and desires of companies not consumers. That's like trying to win a girl's attention by talking about yourself. Focussing on yourself is the best way to destroy a relationship.
Focussing on the hidden internal reality of the beloved (instead of on the bundle of attributes that make them attractive) reveals their hot buttons, their yearning to be recognised as individuals worthy of respect for their individuality. Loved for the person they are, not the title or the role.
This is the deepest human need - the need for recognition and acknowledgement as an individual. We are not taught to respond to it as individuals. We are not taught to respond to it as marketing professionals. We rarely acknowledge our own need for it.
To feel empathy one must first be able to explore one's own feelings. Self awareness sounds like New Age bullshit, but it is a good platform for success in life and in business. Dale Carnegie's great contribution to mankind was his observation that people are more interested in themselves than in others. In other words, if you want people to respond, respond first to their need for validation as a dignified human being.
You can see it everyday in marketing. Poor service offends not because it creates inconvenience, but because it is a comment on the value of the customer as an individual. It attacks a customer's sense of worth. Misdirected communications (irrelevant personal messages, such as spam and junk mail) say more than "I don't care about you". It says, "You don't deserve respect."
Churn is the word we use to de-emotionalise abandonment. But customers abandon us because we refuse to honour their need for self dignity. And while-ever the focus of marketing is to maximise value for the company, you are looking down the wrong end of the telescope.
Ask the army of 50-something males being abandoned by their wives. I nearly joined them.